August 25

Today Marley and I are celebrating birthday's together. She will be 3 and I will be 54. YIKES. I received a very nice card from Bonnie Partridge. I miss her. I miss playing for her too. I miss sitting next to her in RS and listening to her sing. She has a gorgeous voice.

I guess I know I'm finally grown up when a birthday means nothing. I don't even care if I get a gift...although a book is always appreciated.

Each year I reflect on my goals (88 of them at last count) and see that another year has slipped by and I haven't accomplished a lot of them yet. One of those is going to Australia and visiting Coober Pedy. And I would like to ride the Snowy River area by horseback. I'd like to play Rhapsody in Blue by  Gershwin (the original transcription). Another to write a novel. Another to play the mandolin. Yet another, to go to the south and hear some real bluegrass at different venues. I want to take some Shakespeare classes and also some writing classes and a grammar class, as I know that is a weakness of mine. So I'd like to go back to college. I'd like to continue with the piano for  awhile longer. I'm just getting into advanced literature and I never thought I would! These are all personal goals.

My family goals would be to have good relationships with all my kids and try to repair the hurts that I've caused and forgive the ones I've been given. I'd like to have my grandkids spend a week with me -- separately so I could have some one-on-one time with them. I'd like to have money to take my daughters-in-law to lunch and go visit, but not be a bother. I'd like to sit down with Collin and tell him I love him, no matter what. I'd like to sit with Ryan and hug him and tell him he is too smart to settle for what he is getting out of life.

Tonight is the HP group dinner at the church. I hate these functions. I always feel under/over dressed or too fat, too old, too frumpy, too everything and I can't find a spot that fits. Sometimes I talk myself into going to each table and speaking to everyone...even though I'd rather hide out in the chapel and play the grand piano. But really, what does hiding help? Getting along with others has to be done....and does it really matter if I'm not gorgeous and Ann Packer who is my age looks 10 years younger and has the budget to buy the nicest clothes? Does it matter? Does it really matter if I just sit with older folks and try and be interested in them---- instead of worrying about my ugly feet, my short fingers, my inability to make small talk? It seems that all my failings flash before my eyes and I can hardly make it through the dinner.

 
The reunion is Saturday. I am worrying about all the above-mentioned things for then already. What if no one likes me? What if I make a terrible gaffe and Randy doesn't rescue me? What if people get mad because I did or did not do something? Chesterfield is a very long way from home to have a meltdown. AURGH.

Somebody, cross your fingers and toes for me. Please!