Watching America's Got Talent, or even Chooka Parker from Australia's Got Talent shows what a WOW real talent is. The gift of it. The gift Jon Schmidt has, Kurt Bestor, Mike Bearden, Dan Truman, and definitely Gene Johnson.
At breakfast that day, Gene told stories about himself, growing up in music and his children and grandchildren gifts. All prodigious gifts. He plays almost every instrument - he just has to hear the tune once - or even a piano piece once and can sit down and play it. That doesn't mean he doesn't practice - it's just easy for him. He plays mandolin, violin, guitar, etc. All by ear. He doesn't care about music theory because he doesn't need to. His ears and soul do the work and he just produces the sound. Exquisitely. In his hotel room (Randy WAS there) he asked me to play for him. I did.
What happened next brought a new awareness to me. I've had people tell me that I have no musical talent, that if I could hear how bad I sound I would quit. I've been compared to my face to other musicians locally and found wanting. I think we all have musical gifts, but not all will manifest them in this life.
I had to use my music to play - and of course it is under tempo because I just can't seem to get the hang of the bluegrass style that I love so much. Gene was less than impressed. He said, "I just don't know how you will be able to do this. You don't have enough talent and you don't live in an area where you can find jams and people to play with." All true. But nonetheless -- crushing.
I cried all the next day. Stupid, I know. Strangely it affected everything I did. It poisoned me - killed off the joy I found when I played.
Contrast this to my favorite mandolin teacher Mike Compton. Mike is a brilliant musician. The difference is - even if you play poorly - he will play with you and help you make it better. His suggestions: try this, try this...keep after it - it will get better. Never a word about my puny talent.
Matt Flinner and Tara Shupe are the same way. Encouraging, not disparaging.
I guess if I had real talent it would manifest itself like my writing -- I can't seem to help myself, the poetry just leaks out (sometimes when I least expect it!) But I have always wanted MUSIC, so badly that it hurts. Does anyone else ever feel that way?
In this new music class I'm trying to work on improv and composition skills. Hoping to free up my playing and improve spontaneity. I have to NOT think about what I don't know and just concentrate on the sound. It is a struggle. Unlike any other musical struggles.
Gina Bachauer said this about talent, "It is difficult to define what talent is. One must have it, but the rest is WORK. Work, and the courage after every disappointment to begin again."
I have lost my courage. The mandolin strings sympathetically vibrate when my piano students come. It is a wistful calling me back to try again. But my courage seems to have dissipated.
Sometimes I am glad that Gene pointed it all out to me, so I can face reality. Sometimes I hate him for hurting me and taking away my dream.
On a side note....about 3 months after that experience with Gene, Randy took me to another Diamond Rio Concert. Gene made it clear that he could have cared less whether or not we came. Maybe he was having a bad day? But I think, he just wants to be around gifted people, rich people, and people who are somebody.
Matt Flinner said, "Dawn you can do this, just practice a ton--it IS going to get better!" But I don't believe him.
It sounds like a pity party here in front of the computer screen. But mostly it is working through the process of discovery and searching for my place, and my place in music, if I have one.
I know that I am a good piano teacher. I love my students and delight in their progress--that brings me joy. But my own playing sounds so pathetic to my ears that I can't practice. AURGH. AURGH. AURGH.
Thanks for letting me vent this. It's just one of those things, I guess.
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