Life Changes

I have been thinking (again) -- musing over life changes. After I joined the Church, Randy and I married in the Ogden Temple in 1980. We had 5 children. I remember each one being born. I had all these hopes and expectations. My family was going to be perfect. HA. Of course, one learns early on that the children are not perfect----- only I wasn't half (so sorry for the mistakes!) the mom that a lot of the mom's I know are now --- at that time. I had to unlearn terrible parenting and relearn as I went. So I didn't do a good job. I hope this makes sense. I mean, I look at Valerie and Amy B. and Jade and Lisa and Shari and think...Wow.....I wish I could have been like them!

I'm very aware when I hold Annie Neslen that I am holding a precious gift - and she belongs to Valerie so I am careful and in awe the whole time. In awe because she is just newly arrived from Heavenly Father and in awe because Valerie LETS me hold her. I think it is so wonderful that she shares. I miss my own grandchildren and it is a treat to get to hold someone's baby.

To Continue
But it wasn't like that for me. It was a struggle mostly. How to juggle the kids needs: attention, physical needs, lack of income, and my own needs which had never been met either. I grew up being the pain in the rear....the inconvenience. I think I treated my own children like that. It shames me to think of it now. It's funny how I see that the Lord has blessed me but I am pricked to my bones when I look back.

But I thought my boys would all serve missions. They would all marry in the Temple...because that was right. But I didn't teach well enough, or be a good enough example---because none of these things have happened.

The reason this is cropping up now....and has been.....Julie's boyfriend Nathan finally came to meet me. He told me he was nervous. No kidding. He was! I wasn't. I sat on the front porch and prayed about it...that I would be kind....and nonjudgmental. He is very sweet and really cares about Julie. Do I want them living together? No. Do I want her to marry him.....yes....if it's done the right way. I know that marriage in the Temple does not make life perfect....but it's the covenants made there that make life doable, at least for me.

So here I am....a little white girl (old lady) very conservative - real life Mormonated ---- dyed in the wool now.....Mormon. It's only taken 35 years. And I want that for my kids.

And yet....I love Kellye so much. And I love Angie. The body art was difficult at first...but she is so much fun and so smart I don't really even notice it anymore. Weird. I'm changing....I have the words "I'm trying to be like Jesus" running through my head all the time and it colors everything I think.
Politeness is to do and say, the kindest thing in the kindest way. That is a quote from Spencer W. Kimball, one of my favorites.

Even though my boys did not marry in the Temple and don't even care about church or anything...I love my daughter-in-laws and I love my boys. Hm...is this what Tevye felt? It is a new world. Everything is changing. It is difficult to know how best to choose sometimes. But anger and disregard, and bigotry is not right. I know I can be better.