It's been almost a YEAR!!

I haven't posted in quite awhile.  I have been thinking a lot though.  There is so much to put down.  I will try to be succinct and see how far I get.

1.  Julie came home in June.  I am so grateful to have her and Bella with us.  Although I miss having my house to myself and practicing when I want.  It is hard going some days.  My doctor gave me some KLONOPIN for really bad days.  I know, I shouldn't use medication, but I am not going to be a witch if I can help it.  Sometimes my anxiety just runs me right down.  My Celexa doesn't always cover it.  Julie is really the Mom and I am proud of her.  She is caregiver and I am the Grandma.  I appreciate so much that she is the Mom and tries so hard.  I do get frustrated at bad choices and other stuff, but it IS just stuff.  I know she is still growing and so am I, and I just need to chill.  HA.

2.  Have not seen Angie and PJ very much.  I think I have offended my daughter-in-law.  I feel badly about that, but don't know what else to do.  Ira will be 1 February 14.  I haven't seen him since the summer.  I need to go and visit, but I am afraid to drive on the freeway since my accident when we were knocked to smithereens by a drunk driver.  AURGH.

3.  Collin is going overseas with Army Reserves.  His family misses him.  I miss him, although we do not talk very much.  He pretends to be grumpy but I love him anyway.  I worry about Kellye who is Mother of the Year in my book, having three kids and going to school full-time and I know it isn't easy.  We are going to see them and also to  the Gilbert Temple Open House, Kellye already has tickets!  next month.

4.  Ryan is busy working, but he did come and visit.  I miss him too.  I love when we talk books, because he is a real bibliophile.

5.  Graydon is my love.  We generally get along well together.  He is sensitive and kind to me when I need it.  He loves his family and is good buddies with his Dad.  He makes me happy.  I love Alyson too.  We went shopping together and you know you have a kindred spirit when you can spend an hour in a bookstore and she doesn't complain.

My friends:  You know who you are.  I really miss Bonnie Partridge.  She is my confidante--after Randy.  Sometimes life is just too hard and I want to crawl under my covers and stay there.  I think, because of her sister's suicide she is extra compassionate towards me.  (Although it has been a few years since I have felt inclined to self dispatch.)

Music:  Always there in the background.  I told Melissa H that I wish Heavenly Father would just touch me and increase my "do-ability" without all the hard work.  But that isn't how the plan is.  Dang.

Writing -- although I am not great at....certainly no talent like Chris or Shari --- I would like to take some classes and improve.  Wonder when I could fit that in.

Scriptures that have "stayed" with me.
Alma:

38 And now, my son, I have somewhat to say concerning the thing which our fathers call a ball, or

 director— our fathers called it^aLiahona, which is, being interpreted, a compass; and the Lord prepared it.

 39 And behold, there cannot any man work after the manner of socurious a workmanship. And behold, it was prepared to show unto our fathers the course which they should travel in the wilderness.

 40 And it did work for them according to their ^afaith in God;therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go, behold, it wasdone; therefore they had this miracle, and also many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day.

 41 Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by ^asmall means it did show unto them marvelous works. They were^bslothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey;

I am like this sometimes.  I forget the small things and the spindles do not work. My faith lags.

I wish I were much better than I am....although I think also of Jack Lewis and his thought that when we give ourselves over to the Lord completely, what he wants for us is SO much better for us that what we would choose for ourselves.  Why is that so difficult?  Why can't I just give myself over?  I am afraid.
Fear leads to the dark side.  Even Yoda knew that.

I do have good things in my life.  I love Skyping the grandkids.  I love Randy who is so good to me.  I am grateful to play for choir, most of the time.  I will be so sad to lose Mike and Amy K.  He is a good director and they are good friends.  But everyone has their own purpose.  Letting go doesn't have to be awful, but I digress.

I still have my Marley.  What can I say about her.  Trusting, loyal, laying at my feet, and knows when I just can't do it.  She is heroic, that dog.  She definitely was heaven sent.

Well, piano students coming.  I'd better get cracking...I like to prepare before they come with materials so I don't have to spend time searching through the cabinet.

Randy got me an instrument hanger for Christmas.  My mandolin is now hanging up on the wall.  It looks lovely.  I hope I play it more.  He also bought me Butch Baldisarri's classical mandolin album and it is amazingly good.  It makes me want to learn Bach on mandolin.