June 9

It has been a year for personal revelation, I guess. Something profound has happened to me and changed my vision forward and backward. I am not the same.

I planted flowers today in the little "rock" garden in the front yard. Lobelia's and small geraniums. The blue is quite showy next to the pinks and whites. I like it. It made me think of Grandma Irene. I also found myself at peace in the sunshine, digging away. Marley loves to go to Alpine Gardens, smell the smells and greet the people. I think she would be a great "reader" dog or therapy dog. She seems to sense when someone needs her.

In the canyon yesterday I was reminded that our Savior went to the mount often to pray. I do some of my best thinking there. In spite of the mosquitoes!

I have found that some of the things I thought most important--- have no eternal significance. Weird. I thought I was one who knew my own mind. I have found that the past matters less and less.

This depression that assails me comes from what? I don't know. Craving for alcohol? for attention? from chemical imbalance? from the generations before me who also suffered? It is a struggle. I go sit in the sun every chance I get - even though I need time to study and practice. It seems to help.

I want to be the BEST Grandma and Mom, mother-in-law, wife, friend, etc....that I can be. That is what causes the trouble....this desire to be the BEST. And I'm not. I fall so short. I am selfish and too introverted. But these qualities also make me a good poet. If you are suffering, I usually can find words for it.

Back to AAC - a veterans evaluation for benefits. Poor man.