Notes from Novembers Talk on the Atonement.

November 11, 2012 Sunday

I was requested by Randy to speak on the topic…."How the Atonement blesses those who have been victims of abuse or suffering."  What a topic.  At first, I thought he was joking.  I said, "Seriously?  I have to LIVE in this ward!!!!"  He was adamant that I was the only one who could talk about this.  Problems:  1.  My kids don't know those stories.  2.  I don't want to give anyone nightmares.  3.  I want to stay positive.  4.  Everytime I have to think about what has happened to me I get into a hole and it is hard to get back out.  Even after years of therapy.

After much prayer and thought I agreed to do it.  Even after Penny Roche called Randy for the Sacrament Speakers and I told her and then she said, "Surely, you are not qualified to speak on this topic!"  ERG.  I certainly did not and would not ask for the assignment.

I began by saying anyone who has been offended or hurt or victimized and at Church today should definitely not be labeled a victim.  We are survivors.  No matter what -- we seek the Gospel and we matter in the Church and we matter to the Lord.

I decided to give a few examples about people who have been hurt or offended.  (NOT my life story.)

1.  Person who worked at ATK.  He was a returned missionary, married in the Temple.  Lives in Logan.  There was a property boundary dispute and his Stake President appeared in court for the opposite side as a witness about the line.  He went totally inactive.  His children are left without the teaching of the Gospel and the blessings of Primary.

2.  A sweet sister in the Perry 4th ward sent Family and Children Services to my home because she felt that our kids were neglected as to the basic needs.  I had to call the Perry Chief of Police to come and intervene on my behalf.  It was very hard to see her in church.  I prayed mightily that Heavenly Father would help me not see her for a few weeks until I got over it.

3.  I went for an interview with Bishop Richard Peterson and he told me that my biggest problem was that I was jealous of all that my neighbors had materially, and if I got over that I would be fine.  I grabbed his tie and yanked him across the desk and said, "Unless you have a baby grand in your home that no one plays….I have no interest in what you OR anyone else has."  I was so angry.  When I got home…the Bishop had called Randy and told him that he needed to get me in line.  ERG.  I didn't stop going to church…I just avoided the Bishop until I could be respectful.

I spoke about how the Atonement provides a way to heal -- but I thought there were important steps (The Gospel according to ME) that helped the Atonement work in my own life.

1.  Know for yourself that Heavenly Father knows you and loves you.  It's okay to know it in your head, but you have to know it in your heart and be secure.  I didn't find out for myself that HE knows and loves ME until after I turned 50.  I think I was praying for the wrong thing.  I wanted an "experience."  What I got was a peaceful realization and a comfort I have never known.  Not a big thing in some ways but HUGE for me.  If you come from a home where you are unloved or unwanted…it is very difficult to know that Heavenly Father loves you individually or that He cares.  Until I had that experience I lived by faith…deciding that if Heavenly Father loved me as much as Randy I would be okay.

2.  Attend your meetings every Sunday.  Take the Sacrament.  That small portion of bread and water spiritually lifts every hour throughout the week, making life more possible, more enjoyable and the pain seems to lessen.

3.  Get professional counseling for terrible things.  Not the kind of counseling that is self-perpetuating…but the kind that helps you using Gospel principles to change your life.  Try to not burden others with the pain of your own past.  (I actually don't remember using this statement in the talk.)  I think that as a society "sharing" is overdone.  I have never shared my stories with my kids or with Randy because of the pain it would cause.  I told Randy one story before my parents came to my wedding reception.  My Dad was drunk there-- and I was terrified he would lose his temper and hurt someone.  Randy cried about it.  That, by itself, made me so sad to cause him hurt. 

4.  Attend the Temple frequently.  The more you know what the spirit feels like, the more you want that in your own life.

5.  Give your heartache over to the Lord.  No matter how bad.  Sample  --  Heavenly Father I am so burdened by this awful memory and these things.  Can you please help me?  Can you take away the pain so I can breathe?  So I can be a good Mom?  So I can give service without resentment of what I missed in my own life?  I know He can help me and will.

Sometimes my faith is lacking.  I have a little mustard seed taped in my scriptures.  I rub my fingertips over it and then think…."I might have THAT much faith today."  For the things that still hurt, and the things that I haven't overcome or don't understand...I rely on a scripture from the Gospel of Mark "Lord, I believe.  Help thou my unbelief." 

This is the power of the atonement.  This quote from Joseph Smith gives me hope.  It helped me see that the Lord is mindful of all that we have gone through and he will take care of the justice end and the judgment.

 “All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it.” (TPJS)

We are not forgotten.  We are never alone.  The One who loves us more than anyone else mortal can--- sees and wants us to come to Him to find solace and comfort. 

I testify of this.  It has given me great strength, soothing balm to my soul, and a reason to get up and try each new day.