January 28,2013

I am recovering from the flu.  Missed 4 days of work at my new job at Tanner Clinic in Layton.  I still get to work at home, which is lovely.  Although the pay is not as great, I will be able to make minimum wage --something I was unable to do with my 2 or 3 previous employers. 

I have to say I was dismayed to find out right after Christmas that I had no job with SOAP Transcription of Wayland Michigan any longer.  But somehow, not totally surprised.  What DID surprise me was the fact that Valerie Stratford hired me immediately afterward to work at Tanner Clinic.  We have been friends for over 30 years and had worked together at The LDS Church Office Bldg. in SLC.  She made my wedding dress for me.   I began work with Valerie Jan 15.  Totally amazing.  I was in the Temple December 28 playing the organ and I had the impression that the job lost and offered were coincidental.  It is amazing to me how Heavenly Father watches over us all.

I received a wonderful letter from Jeanne DeWitt from Jacksonville, IL today.  It made my day.  She is one of "my dears" who helped me as a new convert, wife, and mother when we lived in Illinois.  Still one of my best friends.

Angie had her baby shower January 19.  Alyson (bless her) drove down with me.  I hate driving on the freeway.  It was a difficult visit.  I have felt ever since that discussion over Maverick's behavior that I have metaphorically been "in the doghouse."  Add to that Christmas dinner, and numerous other mistakes and I really dreaded going.  But we went.  I couldn't afford a nice -- nice -- nice gift.  After all Graydon is getting married in 11 days, and I lost a month of work, and Randy is low on work and there isn't enough money to meet January's bills.  AURGH.  Not looking for handouts, just venting. 
     Anyway...the shower was long.  I think my distate for parties is legendary and I would have gladly left before the gift opening.  It was not to be.  So, I said things I shouldn't i.e., "The Bradburys love each other, but we don't like each other."  Which seems to be true.  Bonny and Moriah were there.  Now, I admire Bonny...she is talented, smart, and witty.  She knows her repartee....but I only see her once a year at the Christmas party.  We don't do anything with them.  Part of that is me and I know it.  Not sure how to change myself and my "trial" of parties.  I would just rather do my own thing.  It is less painful and I never offend anyone that way. 

So -- I won't say all that went on, but I don't think it went well.  I felt badly that I didn't want to be there.  I hate those piddly games.  I want to be happy for Angie and Phillip and I am excited for them, but I don't really want to be totally involved in their lives.  Is that weird.  I want them to live their own family life and I can just be on the periphery...ready to help, but not necessary to them. 

Anyways....sad.  I came home totally upset about it all and stayed upset for over a week.  Dang it.

On Sunday the lesson was from October Conference talk by Elder Hales.  "Being a More Christian Christian."   This made an impression on me:
"Denying ourselves of ungodly behavior is the beginning of repentance, which brings a mighty change of heart until “we have no more disposition to do evil.”⁴

This change, called conversion, is possible only through the Savior. Jesus promised: “If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. … And my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”⁵ As we are made new in Christ, our very natures change and we no longer want to go back to our old ways.

Even so, faithful Christians will always be blessed to experience difficulties and disappointments. When these refining challenges come, we may be tempted to return to our old ways."

Rats. I wish I could be better.  I hate that I reverted to my old way.