Whinging May 7

I am going to whinge just a little bit.  One would think being members of the greatest organization in the world, having a love for the Savior and the most splendid Beloved that I would have nothing to complain about!  However...the last three months have been horrible for me.  I have been in the midst of a horrible depressive bout.  Have continued to take medication, go to my piano lessons, practice, and teach piano lessons....and work every day.  So I feel richly blessed.  I think I am almost to the end.  I  have been trying to get outside everyday and walk a little which is good to get away from the computer and the fresh air does seem to help.

I probably have offended several at church.  I haven't wanted to be there...and not wanted to speak at all to anyone unless it was unavoidable.  I think Nola knew, because she would walk by and squeeze my arm but not make a fuss.  I am so grateful.  Not anyone's fault...just a sad time.  I am grateful too, that my Family History class is over and I can have a little break and get myself back together.

I went to RS today for the first time in awhile.  The lesson was from Daughter's In My Kingdom.  It was a good lesson, given by DeAnn Nye.  She did a good job.  I was strengthened not from her lesson, but from the offered comments.  When people share their lives and testimonies it is easy to remember what the plan is and how we all fit.  I am so glad I went.

During Sacrament Meeting, I got to hold Annie Neslen.  She is such a dear.  Randy had to take her sandals off and play with her toes.  Annie stood up to the torture remarkably well!

In preparing for the May 11 recital I have taken blocks out of my schedule to sit and practice.  I am still assailed because of my lack of talent, but mostly I shut that part out and buckle down for the work.  Then when I sit and play, I forget the angst and just play.  It has lifted my spirits and I think, "filled my holey bucket =O)"  Randy says my playing has improved so much.  He really is encouraging and is saying positive things for Friday.  Probably only another musician knows how really stressful it is to play.  It is scary to play for piano juries in college, but scarier I think to play in a room full of parents and little people and be the oldest student!  I talked to Janis about this and she reminded me, "How many 50-year-olds do YOU know that are still studying piano and improving?"  Ah, she is right.  The improving part of that really perked me up.

I miss Julie.  Randy took me to JC Penney's so I could buy some unmentionables and as we walked by the shoes I remembered all the times Julie would model shoes for me.  Mother's Day is coming and Julie makes the best crepes.  Every Mother's Day she would get up early and make crepes with fresh strawberries.  I will miss that.  Even though I got a letter at the first of March saying she loves me, I remember with clarity the verbal exchange when she said she didn't want me in her life and that she was perfectly fine and with her family who really loves her.  She cut me right down to the bone.  Words do that.  So even though I have her phone number, I haven't called.  I am still raw from the last exchange.

My adopted mother Barbara just had a birthday.  I did not send a card.  I do have a mother's day card for her which I will send tomorrow.  I was going to call, but when I do -- I get an earful of how lonely she is and sad that HER daughter does not want to have anything to do with her.  How she is now in her 70's and all alone, and her friends have kids who care, but she doesn't.   In Katie's defense, she has tried to be there.   Barbara hasn't remembered Katie's birthday in 20 years.  They live less than an hour apart, but Barbara has always been too busy for Katie.  It's no wonder that Katie is now too busy for her.  Totally understandable.  But....as Barbara said to me, "I don't know why you even bother to send me a card.  You're adopted and you don't count."  That is still a tender spot for me.  So my adopted mother who never wanted me is part of ---but not connected to ---- the daughter who does not seem to want me, is now with her real family who love her.  AURGH.  Family relationships are so difficult.

Which is why it is easy to love Savannah Neville, Paige Gunther, Cherie Moss, and Annie Neslen.  They come to say hello with joy in their eyes and it takes the sting out of life.  I am so grateful.

As far as work goes.  I increased my production last week by 400 lines.  On Wednesday I felt brain dead and had a terrible time getting anything done. The work is still interesting and I love the job...just needed a break.  I played the piano alot that day.  By Friday night I checked my weekly progress 2229 lines for the week....a far cry from the 900 lines I did the first week.  There is a doctor for Washington Hospital who has a heavy accent and I miss every other word...I save those dictations with all the personal info left out and then when I get the blanks filled in, store it in my binder for the next time.  I am hoping I will become accustomed to his speaking and it will get easier.

I had time to read Kellye's blog about Taylor and all he is doing.  When I Skyped the grandkids he had his book (Emergency Vehicles) all ready to show me the pictures.  Kayla read "Green Eggs and Ham" --- Ayden read, "I'll love you Forever."  They read so well.  Collin had so much patience with Taylor and helped him turn the pages.  I was proud of him.  It is difficult to have a special needs child.  Now we find out that Kayla is having hearing problems, and Ayden needs medication to help him.  Wow.  Life seems so much more difficult for Collin and Kellye than it was for Randy and I.  Most of our struggle was just making ends meet and me not being a basket case.  They seem to have a good handle on things....but it is Sunday evening...and everyone tries to be good when Grandma calls.

Randy and I cleaned and froze strawberries on large pans and then bagged them for smoothees or jello, etc.  We have about 12 quart size bags in the freezer with whole strawberries.  I do hope there are cherries this year.  I'd like to have some of those frozen as well.

It's almost 2 a.m.  The pain has gone down and the sleepy fairies are fluttering near the monitor, so I need to call it a night.  Hm...there is nothing profound here today...just a boring life.

Oh---a great book:  The Stories of Eva Luna by Isabelle Allende.  So splendid.

Weird thing....I have been thinking alot and worried about Elise Curtis Sleeman.  She just moved into the ward (back home with Dianne Curtis while they get settled just graduating from school).  She has two boys and in March had a baby girl.  If she had been in the ward longer, someone would have given her a baby shower for her first girl.  But as far as I know, that didn't happen.  I just kept thinking how hard this all might be for her.  I got an idea to make a baby birth sampler (stitching)  I looked on the internet and found a design, traced it with the special pencil, ironed it on, and stitched it.  All in about 6 and a half hours.  I think it turned out cute.  I think she liked it.  The point here is that -- I really couldn't NOT do it.  I was so bothered and felt so pressured that Elise needed it that I put everything on hold until it was done.  I did not see it in the sunlight...I hope it was nice.  I just felt that it had to be complete and delivered by a certain time...so I did it.  It was a push situation.  I'm grateful it all worked out, mostly I hope Heavenly Father is pleased that I WAS listening....even though I felt like He was SHOUTING =O) (in a good way).

I am really going to bed now.  Thanks for reading.