Sometimes I wonder how a "bad day" happens. Sunday was a very bad day. Mostly because Julie has decided not to attend church...Bella can come, but I have to do it all by myself. AURGH. I'm going to have to get better organized to make this work out. Anyway...things I am thinking about. Randy really never understood much about depression. He thought as many people do that you just "decide" not to be depressed. He read about Jack (CS) Lewis praying that he could bear Joy's pain from cancer for one day and that she could enjoy just one day. The pain staggered him although Joy did have one of her last really good happy days before she died. So Randy fasted and prayed that he would know what I felt. That day was horrible for me. I knew something was wrong with Beloved, but he couldn't articulate to me what it was. The whole day he was so sad and I felt miserable because I couldn't help him. A few days later when he was himself he explained it all to me. I cried, knowing that he chose to suffer for me.
So the depression since last November has "staggered" me a bit too. Reading about Robin Williams suicide was so painful. I stopped after the morning news and refused to watch/listen/read any more about it. I could see how he could get so low and how hard it must have been for him.
In 2008 when I was cutting myself terribly I went to counseling. The pain and anguish I felt was so overwhelming. It isn't enough to pray to overcome...(well -maybe if I had that kind of faith) I needed professional help I think. Monday was a day like that. I was filled with anguish and wanted to find my razor blades and my "cutting kit" that I kept everything in. At a very desperate moment I was on my knees, begging for help. Marley laid beside me and I cried buckets. slowly the anguish subsided and I was able to finish the day's work and be grandma again. It wasn't easy....but I made it through. I am so grateful. the Gospel has all the answers, but sometimes I cannot "see" them because of my own expectations or doubts.
I wish I studied with real intent the Gospel like I do the scores of Beethoven. I'm not a scriptorian and I have to work at it. It is not "fun" like music, but a sense of fulfillment comes when I have an "aha" moment. It must be a line upon line thing. I need patience.
Bella has sorely tested mine the last few days. I have to say, okay, what would Jesus do? and then I can get a grip. But I had to put myself in time out for 10 minutes while she watched Clifford the Big Red Dog. I was a mess. there is a lot always to be done....but little people are very important.
On Saturday Randy took me to the piano gallery in Ogden. When we have a date, sometimes we improvise. It's cheap to go play on the grand pianos, even if I may never own one myself. I found a lovely Sohmer (austrian) piano ---only 10,000, and eight years old. The scrollwork was lovely, the soundboard in great condition and the sound itself was heavenly. I played about 20 minutes. Randy put $200 down on the piano. I was aghast. Especially with the medical bills. They are coming to appraise my upright on Thursday. Before you have a stroke, Randy really was thinking of the best intentions. He wanted that piano for me because he knew it would make me happy to play. But I love my little Walter, built mostly for ballet studios, so built to last. I don't think I can get the $6,000 I spent buying it, as a trade in. The upshot is .... things are looking up for Randy at work. We will continue to pay all the medical bills , etc....etc....etc.... and then MAYBE we will see if the Sohmer is still there. It is definitely worth the money. An incredible instrument. Not sure I am the perfect home for it though. I am not a great musician, do I deserve a superb piano? My Walter is okay. But it was so dear of Randy to want to buy that piano right away for me. The thought for me is priceless....that he cares that much. What a man. I am so blessed.
Well, thanks for reading my epistle. Here it is 11 pm. I've practiced mandolin and piano today, read my scriptures, (did not practice guitar) worked, took care of Bella and my animals. It is a bushwhacking get things done day. Ew, I cleaned the toilet too. My most favorite job ever. I tell myself that cleaning the toilet is like playing scales. It has to be done, and a good attitude hurries the process =O).
I can scarcely believe that the summer is almost over and school almost out. My goal list is so long that they can use it for packing in my coffin. (ha!)
Dawn
PS: Reading 3 Nephi. Do you think the Nephite disciples who tarried exist on earth time or on celestial time? Is there a reference for that anywhere?
Also, along with this migraine is the bummer....I have pink eye. Pooky.
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